I believe your soul and your heart can fly through writing. Whether you are writing fiction or nonfiction, you can navigate through your feelings anyway you want to. You can be the heroine in your story or the villain. You could be all of the characters of your story. In the same way, you can express yourself in many different ways when you write. You can adopt a sarcastic tone when you are afraid to let that side of you show in person. In writing, whether it is in Xanga or other Internet blogs or whether it is in fiction, you show parts of yourself that you may not feel comfortable showing to people in real life.
I love to write. Even though my activity in my blog contradicts what I am about to declare, I enjoy writing in my blog. The problem is that I have what some may consider a serious flaw of character. I tend to overanalyze things. It can take me hours to write a post because I waste or spend so much time thinking how to write the post - what words to use, how to use them, what should I say first, how far should I go with it, how personal can I get, does it really matter, who cares anyway, would anybody be offended by what I write, what if somebody that I know finds my blog, can I talk about what I am writing to somebody I know, etc. SO many questions run through my mind in circles when I write a blog that it is proving to be very difficult for me. I want to be more active. I want to write more of me here but it is so hard for me. My fears and my worries hold me back, tie me down. Maybe I am being way too careful. Maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe I am taking this too seriously?
I don't know. All I know is that I don't like it. I would like to be able to write like, say, AnamcharaConcepts. I would love to be able to write a heart-wrenching post about my life and feel comfortable with it. I would love to have an audience that wants to get to know me. And I would like to let myself be known. But there is a problem. I am used to hiding. I am not used to letting myself be known. I am used to people having unrealistic and asphyxiating high expectations of me because of (lets just say) my origins. I am used to people wanting me to be the person they have in mind, to be this perfect Christian who never fails and does everything according to how it should be (although all the "should's" are so different!). I am used to people accepting that this is really who I am.
Unfortunately, some of the people I know have the evil intent to hurt my mom. She is great leader, an awesome warrior of God. But a lot of people are envious and jealous of what she has accomplished because they wanted to have her positions and wanted to achieve what she has achieved. Others are sexists who do not like her because she is a women who has occupied positions that many think only belong to men. I have seen her suffer a lot at the hands of these people and still remain a Godly woman. However, because I am her daughter, I get the feeling that some have tried to use me to hurt her. For example, back when I was not living where I am now, I had a neighbor who became my "friend." We went to high school together and rode the bus every morning together as well. I enjoyed the fact that I had a "friend" so close by and that we got along okay. Well, it wasn't long until I began to see who she really was. She was vindictive. She would talk bad behind her friend's back and act two-faced. Since I do not like to talk bad about other people, I will leave the description of her there. The point is that she was not who I thought she was and I realized that she was not a good influence. What happened with her is that her mom was one of those individuals that were "eh" against my mom and she would observe me very closely. Since I was over at their house a lot and sometimes they would invite me for dinner, I heard that the mom said something long the lines of, "She [me] is always at our house and we feed her well" to people that know my mom making them think that my mom does not feed me well. Now, this is not what she said exactly but it ran along those lines. Little by little, I started to notice how she would twist things around to hurt my mom, sometimes at my expense. So, I think it is understandable that I feel uncomfortable being personal on my blog. However, I do not want to be a cryptic creep who seem like she is begging to be seen as mysterious. Of course I want people to read my blog, comment and recommend but if I am not giving my best, can I blame you readers for not doing so?
Because it takes me horrendously long and it is difficult for me, I tend to post once a week. I can write great comments, make up metaphors on the spot, create a heart-wrenching story in a moment...but this...*sighs*...is really challenging for me. I am trying (as I hope you can see with this post) but it's hard for me. I have had bad experiences where people have printed stuff and twisted and twisted things to hurt so I am terrified that that would happen with this blog. So I am afraid to write "me" but I am trying, I really am. If you happen to like my blog, please continue to stop by and comment. Ask me questions and I will delightfully answer them. I would like to be featured one day because of my personally efforts but, like I said, I think I have a long way to go. If you have any advice, please let me know what you think. I really need to know what advice you can give me to slowly get over this fear of mine. I have thought of writing in 3rd person, story like but I don't know if people will like that enough to keep on coming and commenting (which is the hard thing). So, again, any thoughts, comments, advice are greatly welcomed. Thanks for reading...part of me.
Have you seen Six Degrees of Separation? In it the character Paul says that the imagination allows us to examine ourselves without being revulsed.
@SilentSeekr - Unfortunately, I have not seen it. However, based on your comment I will see if I can find a copy of the play in my local library and read it if in written form or see it. You got me really interested now . I really love what Paul says. The quote is really profound and there are so many truths within it, I feel excited to uncover them. Thank you!
My suggestion would be to listen to SilentSeekr, he is wise. The second suggestion is to be yourself. You don't have to give your name, list your location or anything of that nature. Write what your heart tells you to write. Do not be afraid to let go, if even a little. Thank you for the tag. You honor us greatly.
aw this is lovely, don't be afraid to be you!
What a great and real blog. I only worry right before I press submit or publish if I was/am being too personal, most of the time it is fine but there are a few times where I have seriously questioned if others should read or even know these things about me. Because of this I decided about a month or so ago to make xanga separate from my myspace and facebook, so on here I can always be me and know one knows me personally. Then, on my other sites I started posting some things privatly. It has worked out good so far and now I only sometimes question what I should private post or just let everyone read. But I do admit that I block these notes from my parents and some people from my church, because of thier worldview or because they do not know me, what I go through like others do.
Plus, I have noticed some older people are quicker to judge me or merely say I should pray and give it to God, or tell me "welcome to the real world".. all of these things make me cringe and regret opening myself. When I meet these types of people I usually will consor and close myself off to them. I hate doing that but have learned that sometimes it is ok to do that, sometimes we neeed to protect ourself. The hard part is having wisdom and discernment in when to be open and closed, when to blance and moderate what in our life.
Great Blog!
@Doubledb - Thank you pal! I also keep my xanga separate from my Facebook and MySpace. I am more personal here and I try to keep my site as secret as I can. Only a select few that know me personally know that this site exists and who I am by name and character. But they are currently inactive in xanga and have drifted to Facebok or MySpace.
It is so frustrating to need good, sound, objective, and Godly advice from people and have to face the comments you specify on your second paragraph. If some of the older people I know and a lot of the people from church were to read some of what I have posted, I have no doubt that they will judge me and say all those mean comments to me. They have all of these expectations of how you should be because you are a Christian and you feel like you have no choice but to protect yourself but closing yourself to them. I do the same thing too. My friend, may God give us the wisdom and the discernment we need to protect ourselves and to decide just when to open up, to what degree, and when.
Thank you so much for commenting and rec'ing!
@AnamcharaConcepts - Thanks! I pray that God will help me in letting go of some of my fears, some of the chains that bind me to hurtful memories and binding feelings. You know what? You have a special influence or power to draw people towards you. I find that to be quite amazing. May God continue to bless you and yours! Thanks for stopping by, commenting, and rec'ing!
@alliee_r - Thanks Alliee! It is hard but I am trying! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Comments (7)
Have you seen Six Degrees of Separation? In it the character Paul says that the imagination allows us to examine ourselves without being revulsed.
@SilentSeekr - Unfortunately, I have not seen it. However, based on your comment I will see if I can find a copy of the play in my local library and read it if in written form or see it. You got me really interested now
. I really love what Paul says. The quote is really profound and there are so many truths within it, I feel excited to uncover them. Thank you!
My suggestion would be to listen to SilentSeekr, he is wise. The second suggestion is to be yourself. You don't have to give your name, list your location or anything of that nature. Write what your heart tells you to write. Do not be afraid to let go, if even a little. Thank you for the tag. You honor us greatly.
aw this is lovely, don't be afraid to be you!
What a great and real blog. I only worry right before I press submit or publish if I was/am being too personal, most of the time it is fine but there are a few times where I have seriously questioned if others should read or even know these things about me. Because of this I decided about a month or so ago to make xanga separate from my myspace and facebook, so on here I can always be me and know one knows me personally. Then, on my other sites I started posting some things privatly. It has worked out good so far and now I only sometimes question what I should private post or just let everyone read. But I do admit that I block these notes from my parents and some people from my church, because of thier worldview or because they do not know me, what I go through like others do.
Plus, I have noticed some older people are quicker to judge me or merely say I should pray and give it to God, or tell me "welcome to the real world".. all of these things make me cringe and regret opening myself. When I meet these types of people I usually will consor and close myself off to them. I hate doing that but have learned that sometimes it is ok to do that, sometimes we neeed to protect ourself. The hard part is having wisdom and discernment in when to be open and closed, when to blance and moderate what in our life.
Great Blog!
@Doubledb - Thank you pal! I also keep my xanga separate from my Facebook and MySpace. I am more personal here and I try to keep my site as secret as I can. Only a select few that know me personally know that this site exists and who I am by name and character. But they are currently inactive in xanga and have drifted to Facebok or MySpace.
It is so frustrating to need good, sound, objective, and Godly advice from people and have to face the comments you specify on your second paragraph. If some of the older people I know and a lot of the people from church were to read some of what I have posted, I have no doubt that they will judge me and say all those mean comments to me. They have all of these expectations of how you should be because you are a Christian and you feel like you have no choice but to protect yourself but closing yourself to them. I do the same thing too. My friend, may God give us the wisdom and the discernment we need to protect ourselves and to decide just when to open up, to what degree, and when.
Thank you so much for commenting and rec'ing!
@AnamcharaConcepts - Thanks! I pray that God will help me in letting go of some of my fears, some of the chains that bind me to hurtful memories and binding feelings. You know what? You have a special influence or power to draw people towards you. I find that to be quite amazing. May God continue to bless you and yours!
Thanks for stopping by, commenting, and rec'ing!
@alliee_r - Thanks Alliee! It is hard but I am trying! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!