1. You are very important and significant for me. Too bad you never allowed me to get to know you. Now, you will never know.
   
2. I think that you are good looking and I really like your hair. You are a cute xangan!
3. I am sorry that you have had bad experiences with religion. But, please, realize that there are bad, rotten apples every where, across cultures, countries, races, and religions. Christians are not perfect, just forgiven.
   
4. It would be really cool if you were to visit my blog constantly. I would like to build a friendship with you here but do not want to tell you directly due to the risk of being misunderstood and/or misinterpreted.
   
5. If I don't read your blogs is because they are too long and I am a really slow reader.
   
6. I wish I could have the type of relationship with you where we can talk instead of argue, converse instead of discuss. I wish that you could say "I am sorry" sincerely and more often. I wish that you could conquer your pride and listen to me for once and consider that I may actually be right but that does not mean you are a failure, just that you are not perfect.
7. I enjoyed helping you while we studied together. You were my answer to my prayers to be able to help others every day. I enjoyed carrying your food tray and picking the food for you, even when that meant I had to make the food line twice. I loved carrying your things for you and listening to you. I just loved your pureness and your courage for overcoming the obstacles of being disabled.
   
8. Wow, you have so much to offer. You are handsome, understanding, a talented martial artist and a great dancer from what I have seen and heard. Your hair kills me but so does your charming intelligence. However, you have drowned in your sorrow and have built walls so think and so tall, you feel secure behind them though they exclude you from meaningful relationships. I hope that one day, somebody will be able to penetrate all of your defenses and show you that the past in in the past and that it is okay to be wounded and hurt and to need others. You are like a wave - you come and touch and refresh a life only to drift away not taken. I will not forget you.
   
9. Oh honey, you are still putting me behind your agenda even though you do have time for other things.
   
10. I am glad to have met you and for the friendship we had. However, I have done all that I can to make things work, to understand you...but it is not working out between us. I have done everything in my power to fight for you but you choose to stay in your comfort zone and stubbornly choose to continue to do things your way. It is your way or else. I am sorry but I am done giving more than what you are willing to give. A relationship is all about balance and I will not be the one tipping the scale giving more of my heart to a special someone who is not willing to do the same. I am sorry.
    

There is always another side of the coin, a greener grass, a hidden story. We do not show all of who we are. We show want we want people to see. We all have our own secrets, our own darkness. We all have our burdens. We all have our untold stories. Society likes to hide and pretend, to twist reality in order to sell, to captivate. Using whatever means necessary, society ruthlessly dominates by enchantment of some sort. We have all fallen victims of it's tricks; whether our pride lets us admit this is another story. But the truth of the matter is that society has influence how we think about things and the people that surround us in one way or another. However, society only shows you one side of the coin hoping to trap you in it's illusions of happiness and success. Society has a lot of untold stories. This is the case with counselors and psychologists.

What society does not seem to show you about psychologists or counselors is that they suffer from overwhelming expectations from others. The weight on their shoulders increase gradually becoming as heavy as steel. You feel like you are carrying the weight of the world in your shoulders...your back breaking, the bones bending, the hopelessness strengthening. It is as though the very air you breathe is inundated with the particles of high expectations. You breathe in to survive, to live; but, as the air travels through you, it suffocates you and you can no longer breathe as normal. Suddenly, you are forced to breathe through a minuscule hole in your throat. Barely breathing, gasping for the same air that is killing you, that rendered your nose useless because you are no longer normal...you die. You die but because you are needed you are raised again by the high, and often times unrealistic, expectations of others. The "helping" hand of their assumptions slowly pulls you out of your grave and you come back to life hearing and seeing faces with...


Some people actually believe in you and what you do for a living. Some don't. Some blame absolutely all of the psychologists and counselors of the entire world because of 1 or 5 that were not ethical and did not obey the rules and obligations of his job set forth by the American Psychological Association. But some need you, though. Some depend on you. And you feel like you can't leave them alone because they trust you, they have come to love you. You have helped them so much. They are attached to you. So helplessly and hopelessly you open your eyes as you are pulled from the grave and live like a robot struggling to become human.

People seem to think that psychologists and counselors can read minds or know everything there is to know about people and how to deal with them. By having just one conversation with you, they are often expected to have the power to analyze you and reveal the depths of your soul. Because of what they know, people seem to expect them to be perfect, without any struggles or problems of their own. After all, the know psychology. They should know how to deal with other people, right? Because a good number of their clients are not well psychologically or emotionally, people immediately generalize by thinking that only "crazy" people need counselors or psychologists. Also, because people are more familiarized with Freud's theory, psychologists and counselors are all the same.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Psychologists and counselors are imperfect human beings just like you and me. HUMAN BEINGS. Their mind is not a computer that can memorize all of the textbooks they have read during their education and be able to remember just the right information about every situation. Can you do this? Do you remember everything you have studied? Their minds have limits. They are entitled to forget, just like you and I can and very often do. They are humans. They are not perfect. They have personalities that naturally clash with others. Sure, they know a lot about human behavior, thought patterns, the body and the mind. They know how certain thoughts affect you, how certain emotions can be produced by certain thoughts, how brain chemistry affects your thinking and behavior, a limited why of why you are the way you are, why do you hurt so much, what can be done to help you, what you seem to need to be better. They know a lot of stuff about human beings and their why's and how's and what's. But they are not God to know everything and to be able to do everything. A fundamental lesson taught to psychologists and counselors is that there are always exceptions to the rule, always. Human beings are way too complex to be understood under only one theory or way of thinking. And because human beings are so complex, a full understanding of human beings can never be achieved by another. A deeper look at brain research will tell you that there are many, many, many, many things about the brain's functioning that is still not known. And, guess what, what is not know about the brain's functioning affect you and how you are.

Counselors and psychologists are here to help people who cannot deal with their problems on their own. It's that simple. They are equipped to help you deal with your problems. In therapy or treatment, they teach you alternate and more positive ways to look at your problems and give you tools to deal with them. Some have received more training than others. Some like some theories more than others. Some deal more with extreme disorders, while other deal with more "normal people." There are a variety of counselors and psychologists out there. Just as there are many psychological theories. Some are Freudian or Jungians (Freud and Carl Jung) - psychoanalysts. Some are Darwainians(just one person example) - evolutionary psychologists. Some are more like Skinner - environmentalists. Still some are more like Aaron Beck or Albert Ellis  - cognitive psychologists. There are others who are humanists. Some combine theories like the cognitive behavioral therapist. There are a variety of approaches in psychology, a lot in fact. Not all psychologists are the same and a little bit of research would clear that prejudice out.

Also, please, just because one did not do his/her job right, this, also, does not mean that all psychologists/counselors are the same. This attitude(edit) is the same as racism - all Hispanics are this, all Caucasians are this, all African Americans are that, all Middle Easterners are that, all....you get the point. There are rotten apples everywhere, even in the best families.

Psychologists and counselors are human beings just like you and me. They can have problems. They can have personality issues. Oh my gosh, they can even have relationship issues. They have their limitations as people. They can make mistakes just like any other "normal" person. They can misunderstand things also. Misunderstanding is one of those skills human beings do so well. They are not some sort of supernatural guru that can look into your eyes and see the depth of your soul and tada! heal you. They do not heal. For those who believe in God, God does. For those who do not, time and you doing your part and taking care of your heart does. Of course, for those who believe in God it is also a combination for we cannot leave everything up to God. Let us not be lazy.

Psychologists and counselors facilitate understanding and equip you with skills that will help you deal with life effectively and guide you to know yourself and discover your potential and some of what lies within you. However, you do the instrospection and the colaboration. They cannot do this for you. If they were God, then yes. If they were God, they could read your mind, heart, soul and tell you exactly what you need (not want) to hear, when, how and they will just [POP!] fix you right up. How can they tell you what you want to hear if they cannot read your mind? They are not God. Not even remotely close. (Edit) Even if they can tell you want you seem to want to hear, what you want to hear is often not what you need to hear. They do not receive years of training to tell people what they want to hear because one does not need too much training to do that. (end edit)

I am really tired of people bashing psychology and counselors. I am sorry that you went through a bad situation with one. It is not the fault of all the other psychologists and counselors. It is not psychology's fault. Why blame the world for just 1 or 5 or 19? There are billions of people out there and they are not all the same. Sure, there are bogus studies out there but not all studies are bogus. In a desperate attempt to understand human beings more, I believe that some psycholgists get carried away and ignore confounding variables (additional variables that can mix up/influence the results of the study). But then again, in a world as diverse as ours, how can they control every variable?

With utmost respect, I believe that it is better to shut up and find out more about what you are getting ready to bash before you do so. Otherwise, you will be making a utter fool of yourself and exposing your ignorance. Is this what you want to do? Make a fool of yourself because of something you really do not know enough about?

Let's think before we speak and act. Let's protect ourselves by being more informed. Like one of my friends say, "If you are going to insult somebody, do it right!"

What is the most honest, purest, kindest, and simplest human love of all?
A child's love

Yesterday, as I entered the church for Bible study, I was received by two adorable kids. Both smiled upon seeing me. One said my name with excitement and the other just ran to me to embrace me. Their smiles and arms were wide open, the sparkle of emotion in their little eyes. I could not help but smile. I bent down to hug them and both asked their mommy if they could sit with me. Since the mom and I are friends, she allowed them to. The beautiful boy of tanned skin and green eyes looked at me with such innocence and trust. The beautiful girl of brown eyes and sharp mind excitedly sat besides me and placed her stuff besides mine eagerly talking to me. And I was touched.

Think about this. The love a child has for you is free from all the complicated, sentimental, cautionary flags we "grown ups" have. They love you for who you are and how you treat them, flaws and all. If you treat them well and respect them, they return that a hundred fold. If you accidentally fail them; they don't hold a grudge for the next 30 years or so. They can forgive so easily and love you the same (if you correct the mistake and stop doing it, that is). Watch a parent discipline his/her child. Then wait for a while and see that child coming back to the arms of mommy or daddy to find comfort. I have seen parents physically correcting their children and have witnessed how that child goes to the very person who corrected them for a comforting hug. This baffles me and it makes me wonder if we, the "grown ups" could ever love like that...or at the very least come close to that. 

When you feel those little hands on your face; when those small, innocent eyes look at you with excitement and happiness to be with you; when they cry because you are leaving them and they reach out to you with unrestrained emotions etched on their uncomplicated faces; when they squeeze you in their arms and tell you "I love you;" when you accidentally hit them (and you feel like the most horrible person on the planet) and you apologize and instead of receiving a barrage of insults and attitudes you receive a hug; when you are seen as a source of comfort and protection by one who truly and wholeheartedly believes you can protect them because you are strong and powerful (in their eyes); when they kiss you with those little lips of theirs; when they cling to you in a hug or try to help you with your stuff even though they can't carry them...oh the pureness of that love. It warms my heart and makes me long to be able to love like that....while handling with care the complications of our "grown-up-mess."

You see, I believe that even with the complications of a life that is no longer a child, we can love purely. It is difficult, especially in a society that bombards us with so many negative and distorted messages of self-image and love. But, we are more than what we see. We are more than meets the eye. We have the power to choose to be the change we want to see in the world. We can complain all we want about how messed up the world is; but, what are you doing to contribute to change? You may not be able to change the entire world but you can sure contribute to it and become a positive and contagious influence. Look at the great men and women who made history. Did they make a dent in history by passively complaining and debating without action? No. Instead, they visualized what they wanted, talked about it, and actively tried to achieve their dream, their goal. If we make it our goal to purify ourselves from so much negative garbage this world throws at us and we work actively and with determination towards that goal, we will be able to reach it and live healthier lives. But it begins with you. It begins with me. It begins with challenging all that hurts us and finding concrete evidence instead of just believing what it is said or screamed to us. Let us not accept negative words so fast, so easily. Excruciatingly analyze them and investigate if they are REALLY true. Don't believe in lies. Believe in truth. Truth will set you free. Realize that love is not gained physically as much as it is gained internally. Let us not focus on what we can see but rather what lies beyond. There are many hidden treasures to discover. 

Votes are in. The moment of truth has arrived. It is time to show you...*drum roll* ...my face! This is a matter of national security. Please be advised that what you are about to see has never been seen before in Xangaland (unless you visited my site 5 - 4 years ago). Please remain calm and do not run away by what you are about to see. I assure you the images mean no harm and only want to appease the voters. *Beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* The Xanga Security Service has issued this warning. What you are about to see may or may not affect you. We hope to have the situation under control and prevent a massive run away. Please remain calm. *Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

...But first some back ground info, 'kay? (losing your patience yet?)
Name: Of many...Abby
Hair type: Wavy throughout, curly ends.
Weight: Ha! As if I would let you know. Let's call it...slenderrrr (roll your tongue here).
Color of eyes: Dark brown
Ethnicity: Puerto Rican
Ancestry: As far as I know: Spaniards, Africans, Native American
Languages I know fully: Spanish and English. I am fully bilingual.
Languages I know a **little bit**: Italian (speak and read), Japanese (only speak)
Languages I would love to learn: Italian, maybe Japanese
Hobbies: Sing; read manga, novels, and blogs; write; watch novelas (Spanish soap operas); seek a deeper meaning to things; scolding myself; Xanga; Facebook; fighting with my hair; pulling small pranks, tickling others, being a clown with my friends.

(Still have some patience in you? Here's more, hehehehehehe)

Weird things that people have noticed about me are...

1. When I am sleepy and tired and I am forced to function, I have been known to reverse the order of words, talk backwards at times, make far out and plain strange analogies, all of a sudden throw deep, philosophical comments then go back to silliness. I become ridiculously random.
2. I like poking belly buttons and bellies
3. I sleep with 1 or 2 books on my bed and feel awkward if I do not have a book with me.
4. I love textures and have been known to ask people for permission to touch their clothes (even if I do not know them and we've just been introduced. Usually my next sentence after, "Nice to meet you" is "I love your skirt/shirt (ect.). Can I touch it?")
5. I absolutely adore people's hair. I have been caught, several times, staring at someone because of their hair. Sometimes, I can't resist the urge and I have to ask them if I can touch their hair.

So if I ever meet you in person and you have a book with you expect me to get really excited and ask you what you are reading, what it is about, what is your favorite character and why. Then I will ask you how many books you have read, what are your favorite authors, wanna have a coffee with me, do you write, what do you write, what genre is your favorite, and on and on. Yes, I will definitely get excited.

Also, if I ever met you in person and you have a nice shirt or whatever with soft feel to it...expect me to touch it. This worsens if you have longish hair, straight or curly, thick or thin, and it is shiny and soft and smells nice. I will most definitely like to touch it, even mess it up a weeny bit, just a little.

And if you have a belly button...well...I probably won't poke you because I don't know you well.

(Patience go-?) *Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeep* We interrupt this message to satisfy your curiosity already and shut her up. Warning: ...man just refer to the top, will ya? That being said *Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeep*

Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump (my heartbeat). Yikes! Oh....here is how I look already *Shrinks back in fearful anticipation*
          
 With glasses:

    

(Second picture is a younger me)

This is me now:

  

I am currently trying to escape life. She has kidnapped me since my last post and has numbed my brain with her anesthesia. Once I manage to outsmart her, I shall return. I just managed to escape from the dark room and go to it's headquarters computer lab to post this. Wish me the best of luck as I learn ninjutsu and manage to escape life's hold being the ninja I know I can be.

Oh yeah! Recovery!   *Checks to see if life or any of her guards are walking by and sprints to the computer* 

I am doing so much better. I can use my arm as far as I feel comfortable. I can do pretty much everything except stretch it, raise my arm all the way up (so I still cannot wear t-shirts),  sleep on that side (boohoo because I love to sleep on my side hugging my pillow. It's kinda cute, actually...well...when I don't droll, of course), reach all the way in front of and/or behind me, double joint the arm (boohoo too because I love to gross people out with it) and shave properly. It is kind of hard when you have a 3 inch scar across your arm pit to shave, especially those hairs on the edges on the scar. I know I probably gave you too much information but...oh well. Oh and I have more for ya. *Does a quick check on the security around the computer lab*  I went for a doctor's appointment on October 5th and, thank God, there were no fluids to be extracted. The least thing I wanted was a long needle up my arm pit. Eeek. Anyway, all the tape strips have fallen so the scar is bare. The internal stitches (because the cut was deep) will go away  on their own in 4 - 6 weeks but the tissue will take about 3-4 months to re-build and mature. Some of the nerves are coming back and the wound is healed. All there is left to do is wait for the tissue to re-build and mature and see how it goes. Who is not willing to wait, though, are the anesthesiologists. I am being charged for everything - the interview before surgery, the blood work done then, the room, 3 (of which I can pinpoint 2) anesthesia, how many questions I asked the nurses, the blankets I used, the letters in my bracelet...each, hehe. Seriously, I wonder if they charged my heartbeats per minute . I'm joking. I know surgeries are expensive. I just thank God that it wasn't anything complicated and that the liquid that accumulated on the site of the surgery was absorbed and resolved by my own body. *Hears some footsteps approaching*

Oh, oh, oh...gotta go friends. I'll see when I can escape again, 'kay?  *Mission impossible song in the background as I sneak out*